A Window To My Existance

Recently, the effects of my potent cocktail of ADHD and Aspergers has taken a very real toll on my life. I have lost a couple very important people in my life, due to my inability to just accept circumstances as they come. This is far from the first time it’s happened and I’d be a fool to think it won’t happen again. I think one of the worst things about this disorder I have is that alienation is part and parcel in terms of personal relationships and in the end, I’m left alone...in a corner with a dunce hat on, wondering how I let this happen again. And then, like a sledgehammer to the head comes the answer. It was you. You did this. Again. And from there, I experience a free fall of depression so crippling it seems I can’t muster up the willingness to breathe, as shame and embarrassment overwhelm me....playing movies on the screen of my mind of me continuously making an ass of myself. Only then does the full reality of my state become clear, (a great thing for the normal person to see their mistakes so clearly, that making changes would be simple) only for the movie to end and me not remember anything of the plot, only to start the cycle over again. I sometimes wish that my autism was so severe that I could live in a fishbowl full of it. Breathing it, eating in it, like a lesser animal that knows nothing of the outside world, blissfully unaware of the alarming, and disconcerting display of my behavior. Instead I am cursed with an out of control whimsy, and later, perfect crystal clear clarity of just how fucked up I appear to everyone else....left to feel the shame of it, just long enough to make want to die, before being plunged into another cycle of social insanity as the cycle begins anew. To anyone I’ve weirded out... believe me. I see what you do. Just too late to stop myself in time. I’m like a dog sitting next to the pile of shit I left on the rug. Waiting for the newspaper to the nose. And knowing that THAT punishment pales in comparison to the one I’ll give myself. Right now, I’m okay. I’m not suicidal, nor am I even morose. But there are times when if I appear happy, I’m faking it. But this entry is a clear view of what it’s like to be saddled with this dysfunctional bullshit. Onward and upward. Till next time. 

ADHD Is For Luvahs

There are many blogs and many self-help articles that circulate around both the Internet and the magazine world about ADHD. But when I blog about it, I always try and touch on the personal aspect of it. What it actually does to our lives. I've spoken before of the perils of our lack of tact when it comes to communicating. I've also touched on our energy levels, and how they tend to alienate us from other people. But this subject, has recently hit me very hard. And if I can help even one person from suffering the same fate as I have, then I'm all too happy to blog about it. Let's talk about attention deficit disorder, and what it brings to personal relationships. It's a really cool thing on the surface, being able to love more completely and fully than anyone else. The fact of the matter is though, it's way more of a curse than it is a blessing. You see, we make friends, and we care about them so deeply, that the normal person cannot possibly hope to reciprocate on the same level. To the normal mind, especially when it comes to opposite sex friendships, what is friendliness to us, looks like flirtation to others. We will do anything to make the other happy. The sky is the limit. A beautiful friendship can exist until the other party decides that our brand of affection is a little too intense. And then, like we feel everything else, we feel it like a knife in our gut. We wonder why suddenly everything that was so good is suddenly awkward and not good. Then we realize that again, it was us. We gave too much, made things just a little too intense. The normal mind can't process it. And then, when it ends, the horrid cycle of shame begins. But amazingly enough, we bounce back immediately and begin anew. It's a cycle that doesn't end, and it carries with it a misery that most people can't comprehend. On a personal note.... I wish I could be indifferent. I wish I didn't care so much. Medication definitely helps, but the important thing is to remember two things. 

1. They don't think like we do. What is intense platonic love for you can be a casual friendship for others. Try to keep in mind how much more efficient your mind is. 

2. Just because other people can't reciprocate on your level doesn't mean it's your fault. No one loves like we do. No one. 

So if you're hurt because of your excessive love for others, just know that the benefits of having such an amazing brain has its consequences. Also, take the time to grieve. They will never know what  we go through, so take your time to bounce back. Yes, it will happen again. But we are all on a wild ride through life. And we see way more than they do. Remember that

To my friends both real and imaginary

     I've never been one to play a victim because of my disorder. As many of you know, I am an adult sufferer of Attention Deficit Disorder. A misunderstood mental condition that is so misunderstood in fact, a great number of people don't believe it actually exists. But I'm here to tell you, it does. From the moment I was old enough to know what life was, and to be aware of my surroundings and my inner self, I have struggled with this elephant on my back. Many people assume that if this condition is real, it is merely an inability to focus. That is a tragic understatement. For some of us, it is a complete roadblock to being included in mainstream society. It is socially crippling, it is capable of producing a depression and a self shame spiral that is so intense, for some it leads to suicidal thoughts. I am not exempt from those either. Why am I writing this? Well, because I am a forty year old man trying to earn a second college degree. And as someone with this condition, I may as well be nine years old all over again. I was mercilessly bullied as a child because of both the ADD, and the mess I was on to "control" it. Amphetamines suppressed my appetite, so some kids in my class thought it would be cute to hold me down a force feed me the lunch my parents packed for me. Terrible right? Kids can be so cruel. Well, so can adults. Adult ADD people for the most part have no tact filters. When we are excited, we share it. When we are inquisitive, we ask. Often loudly. Most of the time out of turn. It's not something we mean to do, it's just beyond our means to do so. I answered a question correctly in my math class today. It was a big deal. I suck at math. When I got the correct answer, I pumped my fist and said "Yes!!!!!" Only to be told by the teacher "Whoa Ben. Down boy. Calm down." You see, "Calm down" is the worst thing you can tell someone like us. Because we can't. It's like telling someone in a wheelchair, "Get up and walk, you pussy." Well, moments later, after shaking off the shame I attempted to answer another question. This time I was wrong, and I was met with an eye roll and "Ben Ben Ben. Just shut up. Just shut up", by the teacher. I walked out of the class to the jeers and laughter of the rest of the class. I am forty years old. And I'm humiliated. In times like these I'm afraid to talk. Afraid to convey any of my emotions, for they will surely be met with mocking and derision. For those who say, "Ben, I've never treated you that way" I'll say this. I'll bet you have. And you didn't even realize it. I have been officially sanctioned by my current job, I've lost dozens of other ones, and I've lost personal relationships. All because I'm louder, more abrupt, more to the point than most people. Here is a fact. And I'm sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable. We ADDers have universes in our heads. Our brains are wired far more efficiently than yours. We come to correct conclusions faster. We can sense suffering, joy, good and evil from most people just by watching them for five seconds. I say all this not out of braggadocio, but to inform you that what most people think of us is sorely incorrect. Right now I am in a very dark place. I want to hurt someone. I want to find a cave to hide in and never come out. And I want to strike out against a generality, because right now, all people seem evil to me. And why? Because I answered a question that was posed to a math class? No I'm not playing a victim. I'm just asking that you look deeper before you assess someone and treat them according to that assessment. This shit hurts. Bad. All I'm trying to do is live. That's all. Thanks for reading.

I Am Ben.

I am 39 years old. I have grey in my beard. My childhood is but a distant memory that is no longer readily accessible to my immediate memory. I am a grown up in every sense of the word. But in my mind, I am helpless, fearful, vulnerable. I am a sufferer of adult ADHD. A serious mental condition that is very misunderstood. Most people hear that Acronym and assume its just an inability to pay attention to things and a hyperactive personality. And they’d be right, because certainly those are major aspects of it. But what most people don’t realise is that it is so much more than that. Days for me, when I am not busy (busyness is a good thing for us) I can lose entire portions of my day just sitting, my mind wandering to various random subjects, much like a chronic channel flipper that never stops long enough to see what’s actually on TV. When someone tells me something that has to be done, a task that needs doing, an appointment that must be kept… I have to take very careful precautions to see that it is written down….logged, and firmly implanted in my mind, or the request will simply go in one ear and out the other in a matter of mere seconds. So why blog about this? Because I am tired. I am tired of being held captive by my mind. I’ve spent 35 years with this…this….thing, and I’m tired. I’m tired of always being told to calm down, chill out, take a chill pill…. Shut up, be quiet, don’t talk so loud. I was recently the victim of an assault at my college. All in the name of my voice being just a bit too loud, my tact filter being just a bit too lacking. See, we rarely think before we speak. Its not that wse don’t WANT to consider what we are saying before we say it, the ADD mind is simply incapable of it. “You are Ben. I wouldn’t want you any other way”, say people that are dear to me, but to everyone else, I am an annoyance, a fly that must be swatted. As I write this I am in the auditorium of one of my classes…..alone in a very large room… alone because I am afraid to be social. I saw what being social gets me… a 40 year old man being bullied by teenagers. It’s debasing, humiliating, demasculating, and the self shame it produces inside me is crippling. This is the cycle. This is the way it’s been for the past 35 years. I have finally found a career that is suited to my personality. I teach music. As anyone who knows me can tell you, my passion and ability for music is off the charts. I am a creative geyser. And through my work, I am allowing others to do the same. I can’t count the number of jobs I have lost or quit… my mind not letting me do them. I know God. I love Jesus. He knows who I am. He accepts me, he ndied for me. I am grateful, overwhelmed by his love for me. But, yet the shame persists. All I want to be is normal. There are days when I wouldn’t trade my frantic personality for the world. It helps me onstage, while I make music I can be charismatic, joyful, and entertaining. But theres no need for Charisma in line at Wal Mart, when even your own wife wishes you would just lower your damn voice. If I medicate, I lose myself. If I don’t medicate, nothing changes. So, tht’s it. I am Ben. I’m loud. I have ADD. I irritate people. I love God, and hate myself. Way more than I should. I must say though… I feel a lot better. 

A Plea To Those That Care...

Hello Friends, Fans and Other Strangers,

My latest work, “Peace In The Storm” is set to be released very soon. The plan is for me to make it available in digital markets at first, and then, after a bit of time, release a special edition hard copy on CD. While the music is enough for some people (thus the growing market of digital music outlets), I really don’t consider the album truly complete until a hard copy on CD Format is released. I am passionate about a CD release for two reasons. One, so I can make the album available to those fans that aren’t computer savvy, and have trouble with mp3 management, and Two, there is an artist that I am working with that is crafting artwork for it, and I feel that the great artwork she does deserves a fairer shake than just a thumbnail photograph on a website. So, that being said, we come to the reason for this note. I am an independent artist. I have no real backing, financial or otherwise to produce my work. The cost of manufacturing a disc isn’t insurmountable, but it IS more than I have in pocket. Normally, I am all too happy to give away downloads of my music, even sending it via e-mail to people that are interested. This time around, however, I am asking for your help. If you truly enjoy my music, and are excited to hear what I’ve recorded this past year, then I ask that you purchase a digital copy of it via iTunes, Amazon, or any other outlet that sells it. I’ve done the math, and I only need to sell 25 digital units (at $9.99) to manufacture the CDs. So, when “Peace In The Storm” is released digitally, please help me out and buy one. It would go a long way to convincing me that writing and recording music is what I should be doing. Meanwhile, I look forward to releasing this record, and I sincerely hope you enjoy it.

Merry Christmas, and God Bless,

Benjamin

The Best That I Can Do...

For anyone that knows me well, the one thing that I've been thinking about/talking about for this entire calender year is my new album effort. The writing of the songs and the germination of it has come within a period of 2 years, actually...nearly three.. and as I struggled in my home studio to produce something that even comes close to matching the pro quality of "Grace In Your Face" (my first album)..I kept hitting the same brick walls. I have no finance to really produce this album the way I need to. I don't have an ear that is really suitable to do it myself...Anyone that I know with the skills to slick it up is hundreds of miles away. So, after talking with some close friends about it, much prayer...and wrestling with my pride, I have come to the conclusion that this next album is going to sound like it was produced in a garage by an amateur. And for once..I'm okay with that. Preceding each mixing session, before I lay hands on my board and console..I pray that God will give forth the grace to make this project listenable... and despite the "raw" feel that is prevalent on it, I believe that he has granted me that grace. "Peace In The Storm" is my battle cry. It's me, before my God...pleading for mercy..basking in the riches of his undeserved love, and marveling at how great he really is. What I feel now, instead of all of the cringes, and shutters that have dotted my previous listenings of my amateur production values, is one of tremendous accomplishment, and gratefulness to God for his gift of not only talent for music and songwriting, but the gift of a studio to produce it, albeit crudely. So in short order, you will see the release of "Peace In The Storm", and if you choose to listen, I only ask that you do so with an understanding heart, and regardless of the production...allow these songs to draw you closer to Christ; for without him, there's no point to any of this. It's the best that I can do... and I hope you like it.

Chick Fil A, A God That Loves, and What Hate REALLY Is

Much has been made recently about the controversy surrounding Chick Fil A, and CEO Dan Cathy’s beliefs on traditional marriage. I have remained silent on this, at least outside of conversations with my wife, and a few friends; but even in those conversations my feelings were measured..tempered. The last thing I want to do is offend someone. However, at this point, when the God that I serve, the people that serve alongside me, and the faith that has brought me to the knowledge of the grace that has saved me are not only slandered, but openly mocked. I must speak out. This blog of mine has taken many forms. I have used it to rejoice, to ponder things I didn’t understand, and I have allowed frustrations to be vented. I do not wish to alienate anyone, but I am not genuine if I remain silent. First of all, I will say (and this may shock some of you) that I am actually not opposed to the government allowing same sex marriage. This liberty based government of ours has no business legislating moral issues, provided that no one is hurt by them. That being said, I am absolutely stunned that the human race as a whole can be so hateful. And no, I’m not talking about the “hate” as defined by the left. I’m talking about the genuine article. We witnessed something remarkable yesterday. One group railed against a restaurant simply because the CEO of the company expressed a spiritual viewpoint. There have been calls to run him out of business, to shame the God he serves, and even to do harm to his family. As an answer to this, former Governor Mike Huckabee asked those that support Mr. Cathy’s views to throw some business his way. The result was astounding. Lines that stretched into traffic, forcing the police to come and redirect it. What is normally a 5-10 minute wait for food turned into 2-4 hours. It was an overwhelming referendum on just how supportive we are of free speech. The detractors saw this, and immediately went nuts. There were messages on Twitter wishing death on anyone that eats there, wishing death on their familes, their children, and not surprisingly, horrible remarks, and sentiment directed at a God, by whose grace, they are able to breathe. As a result of the overwhelming response to Gov. Huckabees proposal, they have planned a rebuttal. On Friday, August 2, they are planning to go to Chik Fil A Restaurants, and in a childish act of defiance, stage a “Same Sex Kiss In”. They are not doing this to make a point, I assure you. They are doing it to openly mock God, and his followers, and to make light of our beliefs; to throw a fit like a child that has lost a game of jacks.  I ask you, who really hates here? The words “hate” and “tolerance” have been so distorted in our modern lexicon, that most have lost sight of what these words actually mean. The left claims that tolerance is indispensable. But that tolerance only applies to their political enemies. They don’t need to tolerate. So a fast food chain had a really good day. I know! Let’s say we hope all of their children die. Let’s make jokes that Jesus Christ is a homosexual. That’s quite tolerant, isn’t it? Some have said that Dan Cathy Hates homosexuals. He stated his own religious beliefs when he was asked about them. He didn’t mention any group. But he hates. Meanwhile, those that are calling for his family to die; those that are saying the most horrible things about the God we worship, not to mention wishing death on all of our families as well, that’s not hate. That’s nobility. That’s freedom of speech. See, it doesn’t work both ways with the left, and we are beginning to see that more clearly than ever. To all that are participating in this operative against Chick Fil A, the people that eat there, and the people that share Mr. Cathy’s views, I say this:

I won’t pretend to know what it’s like to be gay, to know the uphill battle that you have to climb to live your lives normally. I could quote from Deuteronomy, and say “abomination this, abomination that.” But I will not.  Because the fact is, you’re no worse than any other human walking on the Earth. We are all sinners. I stubbed my toe yesterday. I said a curse word. I shouldn’t have. I’ve said unkind things, I’ve thought impure thoughts, I’ve been selfish, irritable, unkind to my wife, indifferent to my God, and that was yesterday. I just happen to have hope. Hope in a God that loves me so fiercely, that he couldn’t stand to see me suffer under His wrath. He has every right to be angry with me. He is perfect, I am not. Enter Jesus Christ, who lived a perfect earthly life, yet was Punished for the sins of the whole world. Yours. Mine. The people that will go to Chick Fil A on Friday to incite more negativity. The people that were there yesterday, supporting the CEO.  The people that are there now. Everyone’s.  Just keep in mind, the pendulum does swing both ways .Hate doesn’t have two meanings.  Hate is what it is. I hope and pray that you come to an understanding of the truth. Not so you “turn from your evil ways” and suddenly stop being gay, but so you don’t have to live your lives with such animosity and yes, hatred in your heart. I wish you all the best. Defy a cow, go get a hamburger today. The lines won’t be very long.