Inside My Shell

If there’s one thing that anyone who knows me can say about me, it is that I am hyper. I talk too loud, I butt into conversations at inappropriate times, I often speak before I think, and, yes, after 33 years or so of being conscious of my life, I still jockey to be the absolute center of attention at all times. This confession comes after some late night thought after a gig my band played last weekend. It was a wedding reception…an occasion that is of course a happy one, with dancing, eating, drinking, and other general merriment. You see, I am the lead singer and front man of my band; a job fitting my personality perhaps better than none other. I lead the band through the set list, do all of the MC work, and make sure that the guys in the band are well represented. As we played the gig, the atmosphere was electric, the music was spot on, and everyone had a great time. After the reception, I noticed something that the father of the bride had said… I can’t recall exactly, but it had something to do with Yogurt covered almonds, and How the band didn’t need any, because Ben’s a big enough nut for everyone. I can’t say it exactly hurt my feelings, of course it was said in a spirit of lighthearted ribbing, but as I reflected on the night’s events from the comfort of my bed, I couldn’t quite get the statement out of my head. “This guy didn’t even know me”, I thought. “How can he sum me up with one statement?” I started a new job recently. The same thing occurred there. Ben is….. Ben is… well, he’s really “out there”. I’ve been “out there” all my life. Always the one that people remember, although, I have a nagging suspicion that I’m not remembered as who I really am…A complex guy that is kind, generous, eager to please, artistic, creative, and prone to be frustrated at little things, a person that all of his adult life has had only one real wish; that he could travel back in time, and either live there permanently, or, tarry for a while, and fix things up, so that the world doesn’t seem like such a lonely place. I have a wonderful life. My wife is gorgeous, amazing and very patient. I have a wonderful 13 year old son, and we live quite comfortably. I’ve lost both of my parents, made some serious missteps as a young adult, and I live with the consequences of that. However, deep in the heart of me, there is an uncrushable spirit. The hyperactive heartbeat of an 8 year old in there, that still jumps and runs, and tries to stick his face in the shot of anyone holding a movie camera. I know Jesus, and love him. He knows me, and loves me. I am wacky, I am loud. I am embarrassing in social situations at times. But beyond this almost unbearable surface of me, there is more. Way more. All I want to do is live, work, and succeed. Just like anyone else. I don’t need to be patted on the back, I just want people to see that I’m more than a nut. God made me this way. He once said to Jeremiah, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” The same can be said for me, the nut that I am. Of course I’m not a prophet, I’m just a songwriter. A vessel of God’s perfect will. So, for anyone that knows me only casually: Crack the nut. Shells can be deceiving.

Lighten Up! It's Only Eternity!

I am thirty six years old. A young man to some, to others, I am ancient. There is one old man trait about me that is very prevalent, unfortunately. I have come to realize that I am a very intolerant person. Year by year, I have watched the culture of American society erode, little by little, bit by bit, until one day, you look up, and you can hardly believe what you're seeing. To see immorality celebrated, even worshipped by our country's youth is more than my fleshly patience system can take. But that's just the problem. None of this is spiritual. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still, and know that I am God". Instead of handing the reins over to the creator of the universe, I get so angry that evil, promiscuity, and other moral traps are so hyped by our media...promising our young adults (and yes, our children) that this is the way to live. I've heard comments from people saying.."That Lady Gaga....she's a genius. She's so original." All she has done is taken the seediest, dirtiest side of humanity, and moved it to the mainstream. Top 40 Radio, MTV, right into the hearts of children everywhere. They form their morals from that, and in turn, raise children with even fewer convictions until before you know it, it's Thunderdome. I don't know though, maybe I'm just being cranky, ya know, uptight...not "with it". I know I have work to do, but I also know that I am being attacked, and so are you. If I'm taking the threat too serious, then that's okay by me, I think.

Leaky Jugs, or.. "Gotta Love that MAN!"

"Therefore I still contend with you, declares the Lord,
and with your children's children I will contend. For cross to the coasts of Cyprus and see, or send to Kedar and examine with care;
see if there has been such a thing. Has a nation changed its gods,
even though they are no gods? But my people have changed their glory for that which does not profit. Be appalled, O heavens, at this;be shocked, be utterly desolate, declares the Lord, for my people have committed two evils:they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves,
broken cisterns that can hold no water.”

Jeremiah 2:9-13

I have seen so many people I know (myself included) put God on the back burner. Their eyes see something they want, and automatically, without thought, God goes out the window. It’s most manifest in relationships. Now, to be fair, I’m sure men are just as prone to have priority issues; but I see it most in young women. It seems that society has taught our young women that they are not, cannot be, and will never be complete without a relationship, that, wonderful, wonderful man that validates who they are. Many of these relationships are abusive, as the man has convinced the woman that they are nothing without him. Amazingly, it happens among Christian ladies as well. They forget that God has called them, they forget that God has already validated them, and they forget that God is jealous for them. So, why am I talking about this? Because it makes me think of what ways I may be taking God for granted, putting him on the back burner. What are the things in my life that replace God so easily? That make me feel as though I’m being validated?

Is This Thing On?

I am a slacker. That would be evident to anyone that is looking at this blog, and notices the gap between entry dates. In this gap is the recording of an album, a handful of concert dates, and writing for the next record. In this writing, I discovered that I can write about a subject other than evangelism, and that makes me happy. Knowing that I can indeed write love songs to my God is a nice feeling. There are songs about how much I love him, how my life would be useless without him, and songs thanking him for all he's giving me. Then, there are some about the struggle. A friend of mine suggested that I begin writing about the struggles of walking with God, and as I started to think on the subject, words flowed like they haven't since my first teenage crush, or more poignantly, the death of my father. Concept albums are great, but I didn't want to make a record exclusively about how hard everything is all of the time. Maybe people can relate to one or two cuts about it, but an entire album of it would discourage. So, in the organizing stage of making the next record, I decided that this would be a mix of emotions...the full range of what a child of God in Christ goes through in his or her walk. There's joy at being found, and subsequently saved, there's a longing to serve, there's the initial shock at how hard the Christian life is, and then the longing to overcome it all, and knowing that the God that found you, is the same God that will see his work in you through to the very end, which sees you as the bride, no more pain, no more tears. In short, I'm very excited to record this album. Then there's been the response (or lack of it) to my debut album. I envisioned record sales, signing CD's at Gigs after my set, glowing reports from iTunes, and all that stuff... What happened, though, caught me by surprise. I wasn't selling any of them. I'm still not. The trade off, though is that I have given away many many copies of this record to anyone that wants an uplifting. It's been a blessing for me to bless others with my album, even if I wasn't paid for it. Believe me, It's a nice feeling to know you've sold a record, and I sincerely thank everyone that has laid their money down. But it's also a great thing to know that you're not a slave to an idea that you have to sell. I love to play music. I love to write, I love to sing. And I DO have an audience. God has given me that. What a blessing. The rest is gravy.

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon Earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal; But lay up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where neither moth or rust corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal; for where your treasure is, so will your heart be."
Matthew 6:19-21

"But Seek ye first, the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all of these things will be added unto you."
Matthew 6:33

Only God

Scripture For Today:

"As a thief is shamed when caught, so the house of Israel shall be shamed: they, their kings, their officials, their priests, and their prophets, who say to a tree, 'You are my father,' and to a stone, 'You gave me birth.' For they have turned their back to me, and not their face. But in the time of their trouble they say, 'Arise and save us!' But where are your gods that you made for yourself? Let them arise, if they can save you, in your time of trouble; for as many as your cities are your gods, O Judah."
- Jeremiah 2: 26-28 ESV

We all have one, or even several of these. These are the broken cisterns, the worthless jugs that hold no water. I love what happens here..God is challenging his prophet, and his people to take the things in their lives that they cling to, and make them do wondrous things. It can't happen. It will never happen. As fleshly beings we have a tendency to make gods out of things, or people. It's foolish, but it happens in such a subtle way, that by the time we're aware of it, the sin has already been committed. Thank God we have his word to deflect us from temptation, and especially Christ..who in his mercy allows us to be able to turn to him...broken, ashamed of ourselves, and committed to giving God his rightful place in our hearts and lives.

Dear God,
Let me learn from this. Give me a directed desire for joy, fulfillment, and peace that can only come from you. I recognize that at this moment, you are all I need. Please allow this one moment to last, spilling over into the rest of my days here. I boldly come and ask this in the precious name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Time Is More Than A Magazine

"And with many other words he bore witness and continued to exhort them, saying, "Save yourselves from this crooked generation."So those who received his word were baptized, and there were added that day about three thousand souls." -Acts 2: 40-41

I've been wasting a huge amount of time lately. I can justify it by saying that I'm working on my live show, I'm doing things for my ministry, etc, etc, and yadda yadda yadda. But I'm fooling myself. I could be writing about insight I've gotten from my reading, or actually reading more, praying more BEING more for Christ. The fact of the matter is I can find so many other things I'd rather do. Okay. Confession time is over.

To wit:

I wish I had Peter's faith. Yeah, it's easy to say, "What kind of Faith do you need when you hung out with Jesus personally, and then when they turned up the heat, you denied he existed to you?" Yeah, fair enough. But the twelve weren't stupid. They knew exactly what could happen to them if they aligned themselves with the executed Jesus. They spoke boldly, taking their lumps of persecution with joy In their Heart and a hymn on their lips. In Our day, it's nowhere near as difficult. Perhaps if I were more filled up, then it would simply overflow from me as a natural consequence of gravity. A cup doesn't overflow when it's a quarter full. If you want your faith to increase, then ya gotta fill yourselves with Gods Word. And as your faith shows increase, so do your fruits, and your ability to evangelize becomes automatic. Like Gravity.

Lord, give me the motivation to seek you, to want what you want for me, and to not waste so much time. Increase my faith, and let me overflow with your grace, changing my outlook, my attitude, and my results. In Jesus' name, Amen.