To my friends both real and imaginary

     I've never been one to play a victim because of my disorder. As many of you know, I am an adult sufferer of Attention Deficit Disorder. A misunderstood mental condition that is so misunderstood in fact, a great number of people don't believe it actually exists. But I'm here to tell you, it does. From the moment I was old enough to know what life was, and to be aware of my surroundings and my inner self, I have struggled with this elephant on my back. Many people assume that if this condition is real, it is merely an inability to focus. That is a tragic understatement. For some of us, it is a complete roadblock to being included in mainstream society. It is socially crippling, it is capable of producing a depression and a self shame spiral that is so intense, for some it leads to suicidal thoughts. I am not exempt from those either. Why am I writing this? Well, because I am a forty year old man trying to earn a second college degree. And as someone with this condition, I may as well be nine years old all over again. I was mercilessly bullied as a child because of both the ADD, and the mess I was on to "control" it. Amphetamines suppressed my appetite, so some kids in my class thought it would be cute to hold me down a force feed me the lunch my parents packed for me. Terrible right? Kids can be so cruel. Well, so can adults. Adult ADD people for the most part have no tact filters. When we are excited, we share it. When we are inquisitive, we ask. Often loudly. Most of the time out of turn. It's not something we mean to do, it's just beyond our means to do so. I answered a question correctly in my math class today. It was a big deal. I suck at math. When I got the correct answer, I pumped my fist and said "Yes!!!!!" Only to be told by the teacher "Whoa Ben. Down boy. Calm down." You see, "Calm down" is the worst thing you can tell someone like us. Because we can't. It's like telling someone in a wheelchair, "Get up and walk, you pussy." Well, moments later, after shaking off the shame I attempted to answer another question. This time I was wrong, and I was met with an eye roll and "Ben Ben Ben. Just shut up. Just shut up", by the teacher. I walked out of the class to the jeers and laughter of the rest of the class. I am forty years old. And I'm humiliated. In times like these I'm afraid to talk. Afraid to convey any of my emotions, for they will surely be met with mocking and derision. For those who say, "Ben, I've never treated you that way" I'll say this. I'll bet you have. And you didn't even realize it. I have been officially sanctioned by my current job, I've lost dozens of other ones, and I've lost personal relationships. All because I'm louder, more abrupt, more to the point than most people. Here is a fact. And I'm sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable. We ADDers have universes in our heads. Our brains are wired far more efficiently than yours. We come to correct conclusions faster. We can sense suffering, joy, good and evil from most people just by watching them for five seconds. I say all this not out of braggadocio, but to inform you that what most people think of us is sorely incorrect. Right now I am in a very dark place. I want to hurt someone. I want to find a cave to hide in and never come out. And I want to strike out against a generality, because right now, all people seem evil to me. And why? Because I answered a question that was posed to a math class? No I'm not playing a victim. I'm just asking that you look deeper before you assess someone and treat them according to that assessment. This shit hurts. Bad. All I'm trying to do is live. That's all. Thanks for reading.

I Am Ben.

I am 39 years old. I have grey in my beard. My childhood is but a distant memory that is no longer readily accessible to my immediate memory. I am a grown up in every sense of the word. But in my mind, I am helpless, fearful, vulnerable. I am a sufferer of adult ADHD. A serious mental condition that is very misunderstood. Most people hear that Acronym and assume its just an inability to pay attention to things and a hyperactive personality. And they’d be right, because certainly those are major aspects of it. But what most people don’t realise is that it is so much more than that. Days for me, when I am not busy (busyness is a good thing for us) I can lose entire portions of my day just sitting, my mind wandering to various random subjects, much like a chronic channel flipper that never stops long enough to see what’s actually on TV. When someone tells me something that has to be done, a task that needs doing, an appointment that must be kept… I have to take very careful precautions to see that it is written down….logged, and firmly implanted in my mind, or the request will simply go in one ear and out the other in a matter of mere seconds. So why blog about this? Because I am tired. I am tired of being held captive by my mind. I’ve spent 35 years with this…this….thing, and I’m tired. I’m tired of always being told to calm down, chill out, take a chill pill…. Shut up, be quiet, don’t talk so loud. I was recently the victim of an assault at my college. All in the name of my voice being just a bit too loud, my tact filter being just a bit too lacking. See, we rarely think before we speak. Its not that wse don’t WANT to consider what we are saying before we say it, the ADD mind is simply incapable of it. “You are Ben. I wouldn’t want you any other way”, say people that are dear to me, but to everyone else, I am an annoyance, a fly that must be swatted. As I write this I am in the auditorium of one of my classes…..alone in a very large room… alone because I am afraid to be social. I saw what being social gets me… a 40 year old man being bullied by teenagers. It’s debasing, humiliating, demasculating, and the self shame it produces inside me is crippling. This is the cycle. This is the way it’s been for the past 35 years. I have finally found a career that is suited to my personality. I teach music. As anyone who knows me can tell you, my passion and ability for music is off the charts. I am a creative geyser. And through my work, I am allowing others to do the same. I can’t count the number of jobs I have lost or quit… my mind not letting me do them. I know God. I love Jesus. He knows who I am. He accepts me, he ndied for me. I am grateful, overwhelmed by his love for me. But, yet the shame persists. All I want to be is normal. There are days when I wouldn’t trade my frantic personality for the world. It helps me onstage, while I make music I can be charismatic, joyful, and entertaining. But theres no need for Charisma in line at Wal Mart, when even your own wife wishes you would just lower your damn voice. If I medicate, I lose myself. If I don’t medicate, nothing changes. So, tht’s it. I am Ben. I’m loud. I have ADD. I irritate people. I love God, and hate myself. Way more than I should. I must say though… I feel a lot better.