I Am Ben.

I am 39 years old. I have grey in my beard. My childhood is but a distant memory that is no longer readily accessible to my immediate memory. I am a grown up in every sense of the word. But in my mind, I am helpless, fearful, vulnerable. I am a sufferer of adult ADHD. A serious mental condition that is very misunderstood. Most people hear that Acronym and assume its just an inability to pay attention to things and a hyperactive personality. And they’d be right, because certainly those are major aspects of it. But what most people don’t realise is that it is so much more than that. Days for me, when I am not busy (busyness is a good thing for us) I can lose entire portions of my day just sitting, my mind wandering to various random subjects, much like a chronic channel flipper that never stops long enough to see what’s actually on TV. When someone tells me something that has to be done, a task that needs doing, an appointment that must be kept… I have to take very careful precautions to see that it is written down….logged, and firmly implanted in my mind, or the request will simply go in one ear and out the other in a matter of mere seconds. So why blog about this? Because I am tired. I am tired of being held captive by my mind. I’ve spent 35 years with this…this….thing, and I’m tired. I’m tired of always being told to calm down, chill out, take a chill pill…. Shut up, be quiet, don’t talk so loud. I was recently the victim of an assault at my college. All in the name of my voice being just a bit too loud, my tact filter being just a bit too lacking. See, we rarely think before we speak. Its not that wse don’t WANT to consider what we are saying before we say it, the ADD mind is simply incapable of it. “You are Ben. I wouldn’t want you any other way”, say people that are dear to me, but to everyone else, I am an annoyance, a fly that must be swatted. As I write this I am in the auditorium of one of my classes…..alone in a very large room… alone because I am afraid to be social. I saw what being social gets me… a 40 year old man being bullied by teenagers. It’s debasing, humiliating, demasculating, and the self shame it produces inside me is crippling. This is the cycle. This is the way it’s been for the past 35 years. I have finally found a career that is suited to my personality. I teach music. As anyone who knows me can tell you, my passion and ability for music is off the charts. I am a creative geyser. And through my work, I am allowing others to do the same. I can’t count the number of jobs I have lost or quit… my mind not letting me do them. I know God. I love Jesus. He knows who I am. He accepts me, he ndied for me. I am grateful, overwhelmed by his love for me. But, yet the shame persists. All I want to be is normal. There are days when I wouldn’t trade my frantic personality for the world. It helps me onstage, while I make music I can be charismatic, joyful, and entertaining. But theres no need for Charisma in line at Wal Mart, when even your own wife wishes you would just lower your damn voice. If I medicate, I lose myself. If I don’t medicate, nothing changes. So, tht’s it. I am Ben. I’m loud. I have ADD. I irritate people. I love God, and hate myself. Way more than I should. I must say though… I feel a lot better.