If there’s one thing that anyone who knows me can say about me, it is that I am hyper. I talk too loud, I butt into conversations at inappropriate times, I often speak before I think, and, yes, after 33 years or so of being conscious of my life, I still jockey to be the absolute center of attention at all times. This confession comes after some late night thought after a gig my band played last weekend. It was a wedding reception…an occasion that is of course a happy one, with dancing, eating, drinking, and other general merriment. You see, I am the lead singer and front man of my band; a job fitting my personality perhaps better than none other. I lead the band through the set list, do all of the MC work, and make sure that the guys in the band are well represented. As we played the gig, the atmosphere was electric, the music was spot on, and everyone had a great time. After the reception, I noticed something that the father of the bride had said… I can’t recall exactly, but it had something to do with Yogurt covered almonds, and How the band didn’t need any, because Ben’s a big enough nut for everyone. I can’t say it exactly hurt my feelings, of course it was said in a spirit of lighthearted ribbing, but as I reflected on the night’s events from the comfort of my bed, I couldn’t quite get the statement out of my head. “This guy didn’t even know me”, I thought. “How can he sum me up with one statement?” I started a new job recently. The same thing occurred there. Ben is….. Ben is… well, he’s really “out there”. I’ve been “out there” all my life. Always the one that people remember, although, I have a nagging suspicion that I’m not remembered as who I really am…A complex guy that is kind, generous, eager to please, artistic, creative, and prone to be frustrated at little things, a person that all of his adult life has had only one real wish; that he could travel back in time, and either live there permanently, or, tarry for a while, and fix things up, so that the world doesn’t seem like such a lonely place. I have a wonderful life. My wife is gorgeous, amazing and very patient. I have a wonderful 13 year old son, and we live quite comfortably. I’ve lost both of my parents, made some serious missteps as a young adult, and I live with the consequences of that. However, deep in the heart of me, there is an uncrushable spirit. The hyperactive heartbeat of an 8 year old in there, that still jumps and runs, and tries to stick his face in the shot of anyone holding a movie camera. I know Jesus, and love him. He knows me, and loves me. I am wacky, I am loud. I am embarrassing in social situations at times. But beyond this almost unbearable surface of me, there is more. Way more. All I want to do is live, work, and succeed. Just like anyone else. I don’t need to be patted on the back, I just want people to see that I’m more than a nut. God made me this way. He once said to Jeremiah, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” The same can be said for me, the nut that I am. Of course I’m not a prophet, I’m just a songwriter. A vessel of God’s perfect will. So, for anyone that knows me only casually: Crack the nut. Shells can be deceiving.
