I am 39 years old. I have grey in my beard. My
childhood is but a distant memory that is no longer readily accessible to my
immediate memory. I am a grown up in every sense of the word. But in my mind, I
am helpless, fearful, vulnerable. I am a sufferer of adult ADHD. A serious
mental condition that is very misunderstood. Most people hear that Acronym and
assume its just an inability to pay attention to things and a hyperactive
personality. And they’d be right, because certainly those are major aspects of it.
But what most people don’t realise is that it is so much more than that. Days
for me, when I am not busy (busyness is a good thing for us) I can lose entire
portions of my day just sitting, my mind wandering to various random subjects,
much like a chronic channel flipper that never stops long enough to see what’s
actually on TV. When someone tells me something that has to be done, a task
that needs doing, an appointment that must be kept… I have to take very careful
precautions to see that it is written down….logged, and firmly implanted in my
mind, or the request will simply go in one ear and out the other in a matter of
mere seconds. So why blog about this? Because I am tired. I am tired of being
held captive by my mind. I’ve spent 35 years with this…this….thing, and I’m
tired. I’m tired of always being told to calm down, chill out, take a chill
pill…. Shut up, be quiet, don’t talk so loud. I was recently the victim of an
assault at my college. All in the name of my voice being just a bit too loud,
my tact filter being just a bit too lacking. See, we rarely think before we
speak. Its not that wse don’t WANT to consider what we are saying before we say
it, the ADD mind is simply incapable of it. “You are Ben. I wouldn’t want you
any other way”, say people that are dear to me, but to everyone else, I am an
annoyance, a fly that must be swatted. As I write this I am in the auditorium
of one of my classes…..alone in a very large room… alone because I am afraid to
be social. I saw what being social gets me… a 40 year old man being bullied by
teenagers. It’s debasing, humiliating, demasculating, and the self shame it
produces inside me is crippling. This is the cycle. This is the way it’s been
for the past 35 years. I have finally found a career that is suited to my
personality. I teach music. As anyone who knows me can tell you, my passion and
ability for music is off the charts. I am a creative geyser. And through my
work, I am allowing others to do the same. I can’t count the number of jobs I
have lost or quit… my mind not letting me do them. I know God. I love Jesus. He
knows who I am. He accepts me, he ndied for me. I am grateful, overwhelmed by
his love for me. But, yet the shame persists. All I want to be is normal. There
are days when I wouldn’t trade my frantic personality for the world. It helps
me onstage, while I make music I can be charismatic, joyful, and entertaining.
But theres no need for Charisma in line at Wal Mart, when even your own wife
wishes you would just lower your damn voice. If I medicate, I lose myself. If I
don’t medicate, nothing changes. So, tht’s it. I am Ben. I’m loud. I have ADD.
I irritate people. I love God, and hate myself. Way more than I should. I must
say though… I feel a lot better.
