Recently, the effects of my potent cocktail of ADHD and Aspergers has taken a very real toll on my life. I have lost a couple very important people in my life, due to my inability to just accept circumstances as they come. This is far from the first time it’s happened and I’d be a fool to think it won’t happen again. I think one of the worst things about this disorder I have is that alienation is part and parcel in terms of personal relationships and in the end, I’m left alone...in a corner with a dunce hat on, wondering how I let this happen again. And then, like a sledgehammer to the head comes the answer. It was you. You did this. Again. And from there, I experience a free fall of depression so crippling it seems I can’t muster up the willingness to breathe, as shame and embarrassment overwhelm me....playing movies on the screen of my mind of me continuously making an ass of myself. Only then does the full reality of my state become clear, (a great thing for the normal person to see their mistakes so clearly, that making changes would be simple) only for the movie to end and me not remember anything of the plot, only to start the cycle over again. I sometimes wish that my autism was so severe that I could live in a fishbowl full of it. Breathing it, eating in it, like a lesser animal that knows nothing of the outside world, blissfully unaware of the alarming, and disconcerting display of my behavior. Instead I am cursed with an out of control whimsy, and later, perfect crystal clear clarity of just how fucked up I appear to everyone else....left to feel the shame of it, just long enough to make want to die, before being plunged into another cycle of social insanity as the cycle begins anew. To anyone I’ve weirded out... believe me. I see what you do. Just too late to stop myself in time. I’m like a dog sitting next to the pile of shit I left on the rug. Waiting for the newspaper to the nose. And knowing that THAT punishment pales in comparison to the one I’ll give myself. Right now, I’m okay. I’m not suicidal, nor am I even morose. But there are times when if I appear happy, I’m faking it. But this entry is a clear view of what it’s like to be saddled with this dysfunctional bullshit. Onward and upward. Till next time.
