To my friends both real and imaginary

     I've never been one to play a victim because of my disorder. As many of you know, I am an adult sufferer of Attention Deficit Disorder. A misunderstood mental condition that is so misunderstood in fact, a great number of people don't believe it actually exists. But I'm here to tell you, it does. From the moment I was old enough to know what life was, and to be aware of my surroundings and my inner self, I have struggled with this elephant on my back. Many people assume that if this condition is real, it is merely an inability to focus. That is a tragic understatement. For some of us, it is a complete roadblock to being included in mainstream society. It is socially crippling, it is capable of producing a depression and a self shame spiral that is so intense, for some it leads to suicidal thoughts. I am not exempt from those either. Why am I writing this? Well, because I am a forty year old man trying to earn a second college degree. And as someone with this condition, I may as well be nine years old all over again. I was mercilessly bullied as a child because of both the ADD, and the mess I was on to "control" it. Amphetamines suppressed my appetite, so some kids in my class thought it would be cute to hold me down a force feed me the lunch my parents packed for me. Terrible right? Kids can be so cruel. Well, so can adults. Adult ADD people for the most part have no tact filters. When we are excited, we share it. When we are inquisitive, we ask. Often loudly. Most of the time out of turn. It's not something we mean to do, it's just beyond our means to do so. I answered a question correctly in my math class today. It was a big deal. I suck at math. When I got the correct answer, I pumped my fist and said "Yes!!!!!" Only to be told by the teacher "Whoa Ben. Down boy. Calm down." You see, "Calm down" is the worst thing you can tell someone like us. Because we can't. It's like telling someone in a wheelchair, "Get up and walk, you pussy." Well, moments later, after shaking off the shame I attempted to answer another question. This time I was wrong, and I was met with an eye roll and "Ben Ben Ben. Just shut up. Just shut up", by the teacher. I walked out of the class to the jeers and laughter of the rest of the class. I am forty years old. And I'm humiliated. In times like these I'm afraid to talk. Afraid to convey any of my emotions, for they will surely be met with mocking and derision. For those who say, "Ben, I've never treated you that way" I'll say this. I'll bet you have. And you didn't even realize it. I have been officially sanctioned by my current job, I've lost dozens of other ones, and I've lost personal relationships. All because I'm louder, more abrupt, more to the point than most people. Here is a fact. And I'm sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable. We ADDers have universes in our heads. Our brains are wired far more efficiently than yours. We come to correct conclusions faster. We can sense suffering, joy, good and evil from most people just by watching them for five seconds. I say all this not out of braggadocio, but to inform you that what most people think of us is sorely incorrect. Right now I am in a very dark place. I want to hurt someone. I want to find a cave to hide in and never come out. And I want to strike out against a generality, because right now, all people seem evil to me. And why? Because I answered a question that was posed to a math class? No I'm not playing a victim. I'm just asking that you look deeper before you assess someone and treat them according to that assessment. This shit hurts. Bad. All I'm trying to do is live. That's all. Thanks for reading.